God is Awesome: Even in the Loss of Miscarriage

The Lord is sooooo awesome! I recently had a 2nd miscarriage and was pretty hurt by it. I had experienced my first miscarriage about 3 years before, but had taken that one very well emotionally, although, physically, that one was much more dramatic and life-threatening for me (I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, and ended up needing a blood transfusion after the D&C). Either way, the Lord was good to me back in 2006, because I felt that he had actually prepped me in advance for that loss. So the actual day that I went to visit my ob/gyn for my first prenatal visit, I was very calm and composed when the bad news was broken to me. For me, the hardest part was having to break it to my 2 1/2 and 7 year old daughters and my husband.

But fast forwarding back to my recent miscarriage...although I was a little bit anxious about this pregnancy (when considering already having 2 small ones still in cloth diapers, and a few other trials going on in my life), I was looking forward to my little Judah Kaili or my little Judah Kaili & Phoenix Ava, together...I always welcome new life in my womb and automatically connect with my child within (no matter how microscopic its form may be). Ironically, two days before I went into the hospital and found out that I'd lost the baby, my baby sister had coerced me to go to Babies R Us. We actually spent about an hour creating a baby registry for Judah & Phoenix.

That Saturday afternoon when I was told about the loss from the emergency room doctor, I balled and balled to myself in the little sterile cubical. I felt lost and had loss! I was already overwhelmed with my current life trials and circumstances, and just felt that the loss of this child just represented more loss in my life. For me, this baby was my hope for deliverance and rebirth from the ashes. So, when I was informed of my miscarriage, I almost lost all hope for life in general.

Medically, my procedure went well & without a hitch, that evening. Health wise, I was great, but my heart hurt so deeply. That night I felt so alone and dejected that I cried my eyes out really hard. I was so emotionally out of control that I was afraid I was going to raise my blood pressure level and have some kind of anxiety attack. I eventually called the nurse in to explain that if they did not give me something to get me to sleep, I was going to drive myself insane.

After getting some meds, I watch an evangelist on television that had a guest on who was talking about hoping against all odds. This message seemed to calm me down, as well (as the meds that is) so that I could get a little rest. I woke up early that morning to watch Joel Osteen and another evangelist preach on being in the "pit of life" and Joseph's life. I took notes on each sermon and truly felt that God had orchestrated everything so that I would catch those specific programs, on that specific Sunday morning, at that specific time in my life. In addition to the message from the evening before, the Sunday morning sermons had focused on not losing hope when you're go through trials in life and the importance of faith. All of these messages put a more peaceful feeling in my heart, as a prepared for my release from the hospital and leap back into my "normal" , dramatic life.

Later that day I felt the need to actually name the child I'd lost and to begin a journal in memory of it. For some reason, I felt strongly that the child may have been a son, so I purposed to find a male name to fit him. I am big on giving meaning to children's' names, so I decided in light of the messages I'd received in the hospital, I'd find him a first and middle name that would represent "hope" and "faith". I also felt that it was going to take some hope and faith to keep me encouraged in my life circumstances. I ended up naming my precious son, Amali Shin Davis. Amali came from the Swahili and Hebrew languages, meaning "occupation, activity, my toil, hope". Shin was of an Asian language, meaning "belief, trust, faith". So there it was! And I titled my journal: Lord of My Womb/In the Pit. The first dedication of the journal reading...Amali Shin (June 2009- August 15, 2009) ~I lovingly carried you for 3 months. Although I thought I was carrying Judah Kaili or both Judah & Phoenix Ava, I still loved you with all my motherly heart. I look forward to hugging & kissing you in Heaven.

More on Amali Shin & God's awesome nature, later...TO BE CONTINUED...