I'm Back!!! - Part II

"When our souls lie barren in a winter which seems hopeless and endless, God has not abandoned us. His work goes on. He asks our acceptance of the painful process and our trust that he will indeed give resurrection life"
~ Elisabeth Elliot

Thank God for that book (Don't Die in the Winter, by Dr. Milicent Hunter), on that day! The title of that book clearly expressed what my spirit was attempting to do...FLATLINE and DIE during my tumultuous winter. I was getting extremely weary. I didn't want to completely throw in the towel, but I definitely didn't feel I had the spiritual energy to do anything but exist. I couldn't sing any gospel or contemporary Christian tunes to lift my heart. I didn't want to read devotionals. I definitely couldn't write or blog. How hypocritical would that be? How could I encourage others when I couldn't even encourage myself? I wouldn't' even allow myself to be encouraged by my best friend, who'd been my only steady, spiritual road dog during this long trek through the blizzard storm of both our lives.


I can even recall one evening during that time, while walking my dog, I came to the conclusion that Earth and my life here was quite overrated. I had been able to remember a time when the idea of death had scared me, and was a thought and life occurrence that I was in no rush to meet. But this night, as I experienced the nigh time quiet and then observed the peacefulness of the stars and the moon, my spirit longed to enjoy and share in that same peacefulness. To me, death seemed more peaceful and attractive to my daily life and to the season I was in . Mother of five or not, wife or not, I wanted to translate into the next world...flatline through this one or "Take me now, Lord!"

Thankfully, the Lord led me to this book, and I jumped into it that very night. Deep within me, I longed to "get back" to my old faithful self ; I truly didn't want to end 2009 and usher in 2010 in such a morbid spiritual state.


As I read, I began to become more encouraged, and to feel my heart's beat trying to recover its natural rhythm. And in just those few days, I began to make positive determinations about new approaches I'd take and changes that I would make in my spiritual life, in relation to my marriage, and in my health. I was not making resolutions, but I'd rock in that new year by renewing my mind and spirit from the dead place it had been in.

What was truly helpful to me about this book was it's breakdown and explanation of all the seasons of life that we all will go through, and specifically it's candidness about winter. Dr. Hunter's descriptions and juxtaposition of the spiritual winter to the natural winter, reminded me that winter was exactly what it was meant to be: cold, bitter, harsh, lonely, and trapping. It wasn't suppose to resemble summer or any other warmer or more restful season. It was, what it was! But the beauty in the way God designed creation was that one season always proceeded another. Therefore, as surely as there was a winter each year, there was going to be a blooming, beautiful, bright spring to follow it. My winter HAD to end, and MY SPRING, MY SEASON, would be coming! And in the meantime, reading this book had helped me to understand my winter season for what it was. I was in winter, but I'd soon pass through it and on to brighter hopes!

As God continued to be awesome in my life, one day as I was nearing the end of Dr. Hunter's book, an unexpected package came in the mail for me: another inspirational book. It was a book that I'd wanted so badly to get the very day it was to come out, sometimes around November of last year. One of my best friends had actually promised to buy it and send it to me the week after it was to be released. But as life does its thing, for this or that reason, my friend had never sent it and we had never discussed it again after the day she'd originally promised it to me. So, it was to my great surprise and excitement on that January day (months later) to open and graciously receive my Joel Osteen's, It's My Time.

"Lord, is it really my time?"....


To be continued...

I'm BACK!!! Let's Get "Back II Eden" and Live on Top of the World: Part I

Praise the LORD! I am back!!! As I pen my return to cyberspace and "blogville", the chorus of Donald Lawrence's gospel tune, "Back II Eden", replays itself in my head. My spirit longs to "get back" to you. It yearned to reach out and "get back" to sharing, encouraging, and being transparent with you. But, I'll be straight forward with you, it's been a COLD, FROSTY, FRIGID, BONE-CHILLING, & HARSH winter season for me in the spiritual and natural realm (I'm sure you can at least relate to the reality of this winter's uncomfortably low temperatures and snowy conditions). The storms and low temps of my spiritual winter began to take its toll on me, even as I had prepared myself with my spiritual North Face jacket (my winter's garments), and was well aware that I was in my winter season... which would eventually be followed by my spring. But even as you can be trapped inside your warm home, stocked with food and snacks during a snow blizzard, and began to feel a bad case of "cabin fever" come upon you, by mid-December, I'd found that my soul was in a state of "spiritual cabin fever".

I had been on a spiritual high: early morning sipping decaf coffee, journaling, taking in the word of God, and hearing specific "words" from God (exciting "words" from God). Due to my early morning connections, my home life and school days flowed beautifully and I ended almost each day feeling quite purposeful. Blogs almost spilled from my thoughts and spirit quicker and more frequently than I could type them on the keyboard of my computer. I walked around the house and went about some of my mundane tasks with songs in my heart, songs bellowing out of my mouth, and with lots of faith, hope, and thankfulness for great things to come from the Lord.

And then... my health started to become a bit weak. First it started with a cold. Then as I got over my cold, I began to suffer from a handful of nagging symptoms. Each day, I woke up extremely lethargic, feeling completely drained before my day even started. Waking up was a challenge, let alone preparing a breakfast, bathing the kids and myself, and forget about homeschooling. To add to this fatigue, my leg and feet joints ached and hurt throughout the day, and heightened in pain throughout the night and early morning. During the day, my fatigue and joint aches were so debilitating that I'd simply succumb to them and would plop on the floor, in the corner by the heat vent, in a fetal position (with my blankie, of course) for almost two or three hours. In addition to all of this, my hands and arms often went numb during the night, even if I wasn't laying or sleeping on them. At night, due to my pains, I usually had to walk on hands and knees up the stairs just to get to the bathroom; and it seemed that during this time, nighttime bathroom visits seemed to increase in frequency.

My physical conditions began to take a toll on my spirit, especially since I couldn't put my finger on the cause of my symptoms (a few pregnancy tests made it clear that I wasn't pregnant) and I could not remedy them. At the same time, dates and events were "finally" coming, but then going with what I felt were unfulfilled hopes. You see, during my "high" times, I had felt that God had given me specific "words" about my future, but as certain dates (that I had thought were going to be key breakthrough dates, or were even deadline dates for particular issues) were passing and other unexpected things were occurring instead, I became confused and dismayed with God, our intimate relationship, and my future. I didn't exactly give up, but I did begin to get "cabin fever of the spirit" and began to "flatline".

FLATLINE was a word that had boldly awakened me out of my sleep at 3 a.m. one night in November. I abruptly awoke and sat up to what seemed to have been someone yelling "flatline" to me in a audible tone. Realizing it had been no one in my home, I knew it must have been God. But what was His point? What did He mean? I immediately got a bit nervous, as I thought of a close cousin who'd been struggling in the hospital. Was He telling me she was dead? At that thought, I could not simply go back to my rest, so I stayed up to read my bible and pray. Ironically (or God-ronically...LOL!), it was the same night I believe God "called" me to a specific purpose for the Kingdom.

Thankfully, the next day I was relieved to find out that my cousin was fine, but I still pondered on that word, "flatline". A week or two later, I finally reached a connection with it. After "googling" it, I studied its definition. This medical term referred to registering on an electronic monitor as having no brainwaves or heartbeat, or to being in a state of no progress or advancement. As I translated "flatline" into the spiritual realm, I had lost my spiritual heartbeat and was in a non-progressive state in my walk of faith with God. I had definitely FLATLINED by mid-December.

I was spiritually listless. My early mornings in the word and with God had long ceased since I had gotten that cold in the beginning of December. I desired to be resuscitated, but felt that I lacked the ability to do so. I missed my powerful daily time with God, but due to this state I was in, I actually feared hearing from God anymore. I didn't want to "hear", to believe, to get disappointed, and then to be dismayed and baffled again about what I "thought" I had heard. I began to seriously question if I had even ever heard from HIM. And though I was spiritually so close to death from my cold, harsh winter, somehow I still had a spark of faith in me that I knew God would EVENTUALLY deliver me; but in the meantime, I 'd just have to flatline!!!

BUT (Christians love this word!), praise be to God, the Lord remains faithful even when we are not [2 Tim. 2:13]. I guess He used that spark of faith I had to encourage me to go to Barnes and Nobles a few days before New Year's Eve. I was bored and desperate for something encouraging to read. I had some Christians inspirational books already at home, but none of them had a title that I felt would shock my heart back to beating in rhythm and balance.

As I entered the bookstore, I had limited time to find a book, and went straight to the Christian section. I perused through a few fictional ones and chose one that boldly shown my son's name, "Joshua". I was content with this quick pick, but scanned the entire shelf one last time, when it practically leaped out at me! The book! It was THE BOOK, THAT TITLE...supernaturally screaming it's title to me, Don't Die in the Winter-Your Season is Coming (by Dr. Milicent Hunter). The title and topic that I unexpectedly tripped over, the title that had all potential to "shock my heart" back to its steady beat.............

TO BE CONTINUED...later this week...I promise :-)