Praise the LORD! I am back!!! As I pen my return to cyberspace and "blogville", the chorus of Donald Lawrence's gospel tune, "Back II Eden", replays itself in my head. My spirit longs to "get back" to you. It yearned to reach out and "get back" to sharing, encouraging, and being transparent with you. But, I'll be straight forward with you, it's been a COLD, FROSTY, FRIGID, BONE-CHILLING, & HARSH winter season for me in the spiritual and natural realm (I'm sure you can at least relate to the reality of this winter's uncomfortably low temperatures and snowy conditions). The storms and low temps of my spiritual winter began to take its toll on me, even as I had prepared myself with my spiritual North Face jacket (my winter's garments), and was well aware that I was in my winter season... which would eventually be followed by my spring. But even as you can be trapped inside your warm home, stocked with food and snacks during a snow blizzard, and began to feel a bad case of "cabin fever" come upon you, by mid-December, I'd found that my soul was in a state of "spiritual cabin fever".I had been on a spiritual high: early morning sipping decaf coffee, journaling, taking in the word of God, and hearing specific "words" from God (exciting "words" from God). Due to my early morning connections, my home life and school days flowed beautifully and I ended almost each day feeling quite purposeful. Blogs almost spilled from my thoughts and spirit quicker and more frequently than I could type them on the keyboard of my computer. I walked around the house and went about some of my mundane tasks with songs in my heart, songs bellowing out of my mouth, and with lots of faith, hope, and thankfulness for great things to come from the Lord.
And then... my health started to become a bit weak. First it started with a cold. Then as I got over my cold, I began to suffer from a handful of nagging symptoms. Each day, I woke up extremely lethargic, feeling completely drained before my day even started. Waking up was a challenge, let alone preparing a breakfast, bathing the kids and myself, and forget about homeschooling. To add to this fatigue, my leg and feet joints ached and hurt throughout the day, and heightened in pain throughout the night and early morning. During the day, my fatigue and joint aches were so debilitating that I'd simply succumb to them and would plop on the floor, in the corner by the heat vent, in a fetal position (with my blankie, of course) for almost two or three hours. In addition to all of this, my hands and arms often went numb during the night, even if I wasn't laying or sleeping on them. At night, due to my pains, I usually had to walk on hands and knees up the stairs just to get to the bathroom; and it seemed that during this time, nighttime bathroom visits seemed to increase in frequency.
My physical conditions began to take a toll on my spirit, especially since I couldn't put my finger on the cause of my symptoms (a few pregnancy tests made it clear that I wasn't pregnant) and I could not remedy them. At the same time, dates and events were "finally" coming, but then going with what I felt were unfulfilled hopes. You see, during my "high" times, I had felt that God had given me specific "words" about my future, but as certain dates (that I had thought were going to be key breakthrough dates, or were even deadline dates for particular issues) were passing and other unexpected things were occurring instead, I became confused and dismayed with God, our intimate relationship, and my future. I didn't exactly give up, but I did begin to get "cabin fever of the spirit" and began to "flatline".
FLATLINE was a word that had boldly awakened me out of my sleep at 3 a.m. one night in November. I abruptly awoke and sat up to what seemed to have been someone yelling "flatline" to me in a audible tone. Realizing it had been no one in my home, I knew it must have been God. But what was His point? What did He mean? I immediately got a bit nervous, as I thought of a close cousin who'd been struggling in the hospital. Was He telling me she was dead? At that thought, I could not simply go back to my rest, so I stayed up to read my bible and pray. Ironically (or God-ronically...LOL!), it was the same night I believe God "called" me to a specific purpose for the Kingdom.
Thankfully, the next day I was relieved to find out that my cousin was fine, but I still pondered on that word, "flatline". A week or two later, I finally reached a connection with it. After "googling" it, I studied its definition. This medical term referred to registering on an electronic monitor as having no brainwaves or heartbeat, or to being in a state of no progress or advancement. As I translated "flatline" into the spiritual realm, I had lost my spiritual heartbeat and was in a non-progressive state in my walk of faith with God. I had definitely FLATLINED by mid-December.
I was spiritually listless. My early mornings in the word and with God had long ceased since I had gotten that cold in the beginning of December. I desired to be resuscitated, but felt that I lacked the ability to do so. I missed my powerful daily time with God, but due to this state I was in, I actually feared hearing from God anymore. I didn't want to "hear", to believe, to get disappointed, and then to be dismayed and baffled again about what I "thought" I had heard. I began to seriously question if I had even ever heard from HIM. And though I was spiritually so close to death from my cold, harsh winter, somehow I still had a spark of faith in me that I knew God would EVENTUALLY deliver me; but in the meantime, I 'd just have to flatline!!!
BUT (Christians love this word!), praise be to God, the Lord remains faithful even when we are not [2 Tim. 2:13]. I guess He used that spark of faith I had to encourage me to go to Barnes and Nobles a few days before New Year's Eve. I was bored and desperate for something encouraging to read. I had some Christians inspirational books already at home, but none of them had a title that I felt would shock my heart back to beating in rhythm and balance.
As I entered the bookstore, I had limited time to find a book, and went straight to the Christian section. I perused through a few fictional ones and chose one that boldly shown my son's name, "Joshua". I was content with this quick pick, but scanned the entire shelf one last time, when it practically leaped out at me! The book! It was THE BOOK, THAT TITLE...supernaturally screaming it's title to me, Don't Die in the Winter-Your Season is Coming (by Dr. Milicent Hunter). The title and topic that I unexpectedly tripped over, the title that had all potential to "shock my heart" back to its steady beat.............
TO BE CONTINUED...later this week...I promise :-)
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